Let me tell you about Special Agent Dale Cooper.
No, not the Twin Peaks character, though I will gladly proselytize for that show any day of the week. This is Cooper:
My friends adopted him last year and, noting his affinity for maps of Tibet and his uncanny coffee-sniffing abilities, knew that he was a kindred spirit to the character they ended up naming him for.
In the course of babysitting for the little guy, I’ve learned a few things about life, love, and horrific intestinal emissions. Here are some Cooper facts that everyone should know:
- Cooper is 37% composed of dark matter. This accounts for his ability to pin me to the wall within ten seconds by body-slamming my shins, despite my substantial height advantage.
- Cooper is terrified of baby gates. This is the only thing standing between him and total world domination. Once he figures out he’s probably tall enough to just jump over the thing, we’re all doomed.
- As you may be able to tell from the picture above, Cooper is part dingo. Coincidentally, six babies have gone missing from the streets of Roscoe Village since the beginning of 2012. Cooper resents the implication that he is involved in the disappearances, and also insinuates that maybe people should consider giving him some bacon every once in a while, just to be on the safe side.
- Cooper has refined the guilt trip to an art form. After I let him out of the kitchen to play and cuddle on the couch for a bit (because duh), his reaction to being wrangled back behind The Gate is something that would make millions in donations if it were set to a Sarah McLachlan song.
- Cooper’s ears have the ability to pick up radio waves, which he will likely end up utilizing for the aforementioned emotional blackmail once he figures out how to install speakers in his skull. Whether or not he can also transmit signals has yet to be determined, but it’s probably best to keep all hypnotic materials and Wiggles CDs out of his reach, just in case.