Observations at a CVS.

1. CVS now chooses to offer certain common medications and first-aid remedies in cute little packages labeled with “help… I have a(n) [fill in the blank]” and containing just a few of the appropriate pills/bandages/prophylactics/what have you. This would be a reasonable idea if it didn’t result in you paying 50 cents per aspirin tablet or cough drop. Is the markup to cover the costs of adorably labeling these products for the convenience of those who would otherwise end up taking laxatives for a headache or Drano for nausea? Because I’m fairly sure those people don’t exist, though I have been overly optimistic in the past.

2. Ben and Jerry’s apparently had a “collectible election edition” of the Americone Dream flavor. If you’re collecting empty ice cream containers, you may want to look at your life, look at your choices, because that shit is slightly less likely to pay for your retirement than Beanie Babies. I’m now wondering if B&J’s and A&E have some shady behind-the-scenes sponsorship deal for Hoarders.

3. Every time I see a box of Bagel Bites, I think of the old commercials with the jingle “When pizza’s on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime!” and how novel that seemed as a kid. Then I realize I’m an employed adult living in a major metropolitan area and I can have pizza any time I want anyway, so screw you, I don’t have to follow your rules! Then I end up ordering pizza at 2 am and sitting alone gnawing on it in bed in my underwear. Then I realize I’m going to die alone.

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