I like most words, I swear.

As I’m sure the Internet at large has heard by now, Oxford has declared “selfie” the 2013 word of the year, breaking my heart in the process. I’m all for welcoming unconventional additions to the language, because descriptivism, but I’m also a big fan of bitching about petty annoyances, so here are more widespread words that make me want to go Fahrenheit 451 on the things I read.

millennial – Apparently I’m one of these. (Maybe. They seem to keep changing the parameters every five minutes.) Every time I hear this word, it’s being used to either disparage me or sell me shit. I don’t take nonstop selfies, I’m lucky enough to be sort of financially self-sufficient, and I don’t want to spend my not-large disposable income on your x-treme cool ranch iPhone case. Go away.

hubby – No offense meant to my friends and acquaintances who use this, but I find it creepily infantile. Whenever I hear someone say it, I briefly picture them with 27 Pinterest boards full of “recipes sure to please your man,” or with robotic mechanisms just under their flesh, or as Jean Teasdale. (In the interest of gender equality, I’m no fan of “wifey” either.)

nipple – I REALLY REALLY hate this, but I’m afraid I don’t have any amusing explanation for it. It sounds gross and reminds me of bad times with assholes. Any further explanation is outside the scope of what I’m willing to explore here.

YOLO – This is an easy target, but I have a specific reason for hating it: I grew up in Yolo County, CA, so every time I see this I get confused for a moment and wonder why anyone would find that region inspirational unless they’re a serious fan of cows and heatstroke.

artisan or artisanal – No, it probably isn’t. I’m giving you side-eye, Dunkin’ Donuts.

sammies/sunnies/skinnies/all of the other “selfie”-adjacent abbreviations – NO STOP WHY

More like DICKtionary, right? (No.)

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