I Watched Fuller House So You Don’t Have To: Episode 3

A late-night post for a late-night episode! Kind of.

Episode 3: Funner House

Stephanie and Kimmy are all dressed up for girls’ night out! The audience hoots lasciviously, finally free to sexualize the child stars we grew up with. Did Kimmy just say “on fleek”? Kimmy just said “on fleek.” Of course, the only possible way they can follow that up is to commemorate temporarily not being at odds by posting a selfie to Instagram. Steph has to unblock Kimmy, though. Bet she’s jealous of all those fly-ass accessories that look like food. DJ comes downstairs and “kills” fleek with a “You look fleek!” to the ladies, which is like throwing a drowned horse in a woodchipper.

DJ tries to get out of the girl’s night, which was planned for her, with the old “I have laundry” excuse and assurances that she still has fun because sometimes her baby son sticks his tongue out at her. You know she’s that friend you have on Facebook who has never posted anything that isn’t about her children. The others aren’t letting her off the hook that easily, though. (Kimmy dubs the three of them the She-Wolf Pack, complete with hand-ears and howls. Bitch, you’re not Shakira.) Nothing to wear? They bought DJ a dress. No babysitter? Joey flew in from Vegas, and probably bought a seat for Mr. Woodchuck. You have to go upstairs to change? Screw you, change in the Uber. “What if Uber sees my boobers?” “Well, then you won’t have to tip.” Gross, Joey. Stephanie tries to reassure DJ with a memory of car-changing into a hideous bridesmaid dress after a wild night out. Oh no, it was Kimmy’s wedding! Do those two hate each other or not? Does anyone care?

Stephanie calls the kids out to say hi to Joey, but look, they’re absorbed in their gadgets! KIDS THESE DAYS GET OFF MY LAWN RABBLE RABBLE. The ladies leave and the kids run off. Joey drives the point home with a brick, lamenting about “kids today with the video games and the electronic devices” to Tommy. Of course, he immediately gets a text and wanders off. Hypocrilarious.

We join DJ, Stephanie, and Kimmy at Club Euphoria. DJ’s dress is revealed, and we get straight-up wolf whistles from the audience this time. Kimmy unleashes the She-Wolf Pack call for the second time in five minutes, in case you were concerned that the show wasn’t going to run its new catchphrases (catchhowls?) into the ground. As it turns out, the hostess knows Kimmy on sight and shows them to the VIP area. Kimmy explains, “Back when Fernando and I were together, we practically lived here.” What about Ramona? Either this club is very lenient about accompanied minors or Joey’s been doing a lot more babysitting than we thought.

Steph goes up to the bar for a round of tequila shots and runs into a pair of brothers, played by Maksim and Val Chmerkovskiy of Dancing With the Stars fame. (I don’t watch the show, but I figured they were probably famous from the audience reaction when they appeared on screen. As it turns out, Candace Cameron Bure appeared on DWTS a couple years back and Jodie Sweetin is about to follow suit.) They conspicuously check out her ass and launch into rock-paper-scissors to decide who’s paying for the ladies’ drinks, but both keep throwing scissors. Poor strategy, guys. You’re not even twins; the “shared wavelength” thing is a stretch.

“9:30 on a Friday night, and DJ’s not in her PJs. Look at me, I’m rapping!” Way to go, Vanilla Ice Wine. Steph returns with the shots and the brothers, who invite themselves to sit down. GIRL’S NIGHT VIOLATION. Flag on the play. The guys have the same names as their actors, who may actually be playing themselves because we have established that the veil between this world and ours is whisper-thin. They are excited to learn that Steph and DJ are sisters: “Sisters with brothers? That’s kinky-hot.” “Kinky” is one of those things I never expected to hear on this show, like “fiscal responsibility” or “family counseling.”

Back at the house, Joey is trying to bond with the kids. Since Max is somehow watching a live satellite feed of Pluto, he announces that he’ll be doing an impression of Neil deGrasse Tyson (I am legitimately excited to see this) farting (ya used me, Coulier). Petulant that no one appreciates his fake flatulence, he confiscates their electronics and runs downstairs, locking them in a drawer. As a substitute, he offers the kids a coffee table full of Super Soakers, Silly String, and a leafblower that shoots TP because why the fuck not. This will end well. Max reacts with “Holy chalupas!” NEW CATCHPHRASE ALERT.

At the club, the girls are recounting yet another childhood anecdote that’s a direct retelling of events from the original series, and the boys are doing a reasonable job of pretending to care.

Suddenly: MACY GRAY IS HERE.

Why is Macy Gray here? I like her and am glad to see she’s still around, but for a show that’s so obsessed with proving how up-to-the-minute it can be, a guest star who isn’t currently in the spotlight feels like an odd choice. Likewise, the nostalgia argument doesn’t really work, since Full House ended in 1995 and she didn’t drop her debut album until 1999. And as far as I know, there’s no outside connection being winked at like there is with the Chmerkovskiys. (EDIT: After writing this, I poked around a bit and found that Gray was also on DWTS. I guess that’s the link?)

Anyway, Stephanie knows Macy Gray from her DJing days. Apparently they both performed at a party in Bangkok that ended with them escaping the police on an elephant. Sure, why not. Everything connects to the Tanners, in the end. There is no escape from the unbroken circle. Ia. Ia.

Maks and Val ask the sisters to dance. No one wants Kimmy to be a fifth wheel, so they start scanning the club for a guy for her. She locks her eyes onto a butt, but OH NO it belongs to Fernando, who comes over to simper. Even the brothers catch on quickly that this guy sucks. Somehow he talks Kimmy into dancing anyway, with the assistance of a lot of hip-swiveling. Be strong, Kimmy. This guy is the definition of fuckboy.

It’s time for Macy to sing. She leads with a fourth-wall-smashing plug for her “new” album (released in 2014), “that you can buy online or out of the trunk of my car.” Oh, Macy, you deserve better on so many levels. The three pairs hit the dance floor, and we’re treated to an extended scene of the professional dancers doing their thing and the actors keeping up gamely, along with some very wink-wink-nudge-nudge jokes about DJ’s Dancing With the Stars obsession. Kimmy and Fernando reminisce about their old winning streak at Euphoria’s nightly dance-off, which is definitely not foreshadowing at all. This is all very sweet, until, oh look, Fernando’s here with another woman who turns up and starts throwing shade at Kimmy. (Why, yes, being an easily-tossed side piece does make you insecure. Ask me how I know.) Kimmy storms back to the most depressing VIP section in San Francisco, closely followed by DJ and Stephanie.

Meanwhile, the kids are trashing the living room with the assortment of provided weapons. Isn’t Max supposed to be a neat freak like Danny? I mean, if one were optimistic, one could say that it’s an accurate representation of the fact that kids go through a lot of brief fixations and mirror the people around them, and a fun messy fight is likely to trump “being like Grandpa.” However, it’s completely unlike Full/Fuller House to not ram a recurring joke into the ground at the expense of all nuance, so I’m going to assume the writers just forgot. The kids answer the door for “pizza delivery” without hollering to the adult who presumably has all the money. For their hubris, they are attacked with Silly String, TP, and an abysmal Schwarzenegger impression by Joey, who is enjoying his fleeting victory over children a bit too much. Ramona, Jackson, and Max agree to gang up on him later, and I can’t say I blame them.

It’s time for the dance-off! DJ talks Kimmy into trying to beat Fernando with their Dirty Dancing routine from the fourth grade. (I think this might be our first childhood anecdote not drawn from the original show, since DJ was in fifth grade when it began.) The brothers, sulky because the women aren’t paying attention to them anymore, also decide to enter as a pair, theatrically ripping their shirts open. Steph goes onstage to beg Macy to sing “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,” and ends up dueting with her because it is impossible for a Tanner not to be at center stage. Side note: Macy looks super uncomfortable when acting, often staring into nowhere. I think she just realized what show she’s in, you guys.

Dance routines! DJ and Kimmy are really going at it. The nuzzling and smoldering is intense. I can hear the shippers from here. The brothers get disqualified after a dumb fight and another rock-paper-scissors battle. Soon it’s down to DJ/Kimmy and Fernando/who cares. DJ and Fernando prepare to lift their respective partners, with DJ telling Fernando off in the process. Way to go, Deej, and I’m dead sincere this time. Fernando’s date runs in for the jump, only for him to be stricken with a toe cramp at the last second. She rolls her eyes and ditches him, which already makes her wiser than Kimmy. DJ directs Kimmy’s flying leap into the Scissor Brothers, who lift her flawlessly and prevent a repeat of Kimmy’s broken arm from fourth grade.

Macy gives the win to “these two luscious lesbians,” and seriously, easy mistake in this case. To their credit, they don’t pull the “oh NO we’re just FRIENDS we’re so STRAIGHT STRAIGHT STRAIGHT” thing that comes up so often. I can hear Kirk Cameron foaming at the mouth from here, and it delights me. Macy invites them up on stage, and DJ makes a heartfelt speech about how great it is that Steph and Kimmy dragged her out before launching into a full-blown acceptance speech. She-Wolf Pack throws up their gang signs agains. Macy: “What am I doing here? I won a Grammy!” GOOD QUESTION. This show wants to simultaneously distance itself from and embrace its cheese, and the combination sits as disorientingly as an attic that shouldn’t be.

At home, the kids set up an ambush for Joey at the front door. Of course, they catch the women in a torrent of slime instead. I feel the same. CATCHPHRASE ALERT: “How rude!” from Stephanie. Joey follows them inside fresh as a daisy, monologues about the bonding powers of “family-friendly violence,” and strolls out leaving the mess behind him. Diiiiiiiiiick. Max tricks him back in for a hug and he finally gets his comeuppance via Super Soaker.

(What time is it, anyway? Does that club have its best dance-offs before 11pm?)

Next: Episode 4: The Not-So-Great Escape
Previous: Episode 2: Moving Day

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